Trump to Turn Rose Garden into UFC Octagon: Founding Fathers Reportedly Rolling in Their Graves
The Knock On - The White House, The Global Epicenter for Democracy, Turns Into A MAGA Maniac Contact Sport Arena… & Sadly, A July 4th Red, White, and Bruised Cheesy Promotion
July 5, 2025: In a bold move that left George Washington spinning faster than a Dana White promo reel, President Donald Trump has announced plans to convert the White House Rose Garden into a full-blown UFC cage match arena to mark the 250th birthday of the United States.
“We’re bringing the fight back to the People’s House!” Trump bellowed to a crowd of corn dog-eating patriots at the Iowa State Fairgrounds. “The Declaration of Independence? That was a nice document. But nothing screams liberty like Conor McGregor drop-kicking someone next to Melania’s old tulip bed.”
According to Trump, the idea came to him while watching a UFC match and eating a McD's Filet-O-Fish sandwich during his nightly “Executive Time.”
“I thought, why not host a real fight where Lincoln once walked? We’ve got the lawn. We’ve got the violence. Let’s make history — or at least great reality TV,” he said.
Rose Garden to “Rose Rumble Arena”
Plans for the transformation include:
Replacing the first lady’s vegetable garden with a Monster Energy VIP Lounge
Tearing out historic cherry trees to improve visibility for the nosebleed section
Installing pyrotechnics and fog machines over the graves of tradition
Rebranding the South Lawn as the “Trump Combat Commons”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed on X: “Yes, this is real. Yes, the President is serious. And yes, Martha Washington would’ve loved it.”
Architectural historians are reportedly clutching their monocles. “We were worried when Trump wanted to gold-plate the Lincoln Bedroom,” said one preservationist. “But a **bloodsport arena where Eleanor Roosevelt once hosted dignitaries? This is a new era.”
Conor McGregor, Founding Father of Freedom?
The spectacle took an even stranger turn when UFC star Conor McGregor tweeted, “I’m in!” followed by a gif of him spinning-kicking a bald eagle (presumably in solidarity). Sources close to Dana White say the promoter is considering naming the event “UFC 250: Red, White, and Bruised.”
The fight card is still under wraps, though rumored bouts include:
Ben Franklin vs. Elon Musk in a battle for the soul of electricity
Ron DeSantis vs. Nikki Haley in a tag team with George Foreman grills
And Trump himself, rumored to be challenging a life-size animatronic Joe Biden, built entirely of recycled Hunter Biden laptop stories
A True Celebration of America
“America250 isn’t just about remembering history,” Trump explained. “It’s about rewriting it—with fists.”
Other America250 events under Trump’s proposal include:
A fireworks show synced to Kid Rock songs
A Revolutionary War cosplay parade led by Eric Trump on a Segway
And a new historical reenactment series called “1776: The Reckoning,” which Trump described as “Hamilton meets The Apprentice meets WrestleMania.”
The Knock On … And The Verdict
While traditionalists are horrified, Trump’s base is thrilled.
“This is what the Founding Fathers fought for,” said one supporter wearing a stars-and-stripes cape and sipping from a beer helmet. “Freedom, justice, and knockouts on federal property.”
As July 4, 2026, approaches, Americans can look forward to a new kind of Independence Day - one where the red, white, and blue fly high - right above a cage match in the most powerful backyard in the world.
One thing is certain: the White House has seen some bruising battles over the years—but none quite like this.